Bovis: Bovis of the Month

Bovis of the Month

Fugly Paterson - Miss January
In the plus column she is very flexible and she loves Bovis. In the negatives, she isn't terribly punctual, but who's prefect? Nobody said rock and roll was pretty! Putting a foot in the mouth of good taste, here's to you Fugly Paterson, you are total Bovis!

Fishnet Fajita - Miss December
The only thing fishy about this broad is the fishnets! I know, I can't ignore the David Ortiz t-shirt she's wearing, but it's not because she's into the Red Sox (she can't even spell Red Sox), she just likes to support steroid use. She's a fan of all things big, and that includes her music. And what band has a bigger sound, bigger bass player, and a bigger display of musical excellence than Bovis? Answer: Guns 'n Roses. But until they want to reunite, it's Bovis. So here's to you Fishnet Fajita! Feliz Navidad and Happy Kwanza! You are total Bovis!

Precious - Miss November
Just because you have two kids with your father doesn't mean you can't rock and roll! Here's to you Precious. You are total Bovis!

Moss and Campbell - Miss October
We are awarding both Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell the coveted honor of being Miss October in the hopes that they will finally leave us alone. The late night phone calls to Guy and Jovis have become disruptive. The accusations that they both are carrying Bullet's love-child while refusing to take DNA tests is just pathetic. The matching tattoos that read "Fingers Was Here" in unmentionable areas is quite simply wrong. The defacing of Izzy's cadillac with the words "You have done this to yourself! Love KM and NC" was less than subtle. And the restraining orders issued by all previous Bovis of the Month's after numerous death threats has caused several to retreat into hiding. While we are hoping that by recognizing these two maniacs as BOTM October will somehow stop the insanity, we can't deny that we all received cryptic messages that the worst is yet to come, and 'Lil Jovis has been missing for over a week. Here's to you Moss and Campbell. You are total Bovis!

Crema Sun Yunguy - Miss September
Bow down for Miss September. She hails from the east and is hotter than a plate of wontons! She love Bovis long time! Here's to you Crema, you are total Bovis!

Boomkitten - Miss Summer - June, July, August
Never before has a female been awarded the presitgous honor of Bovis of the Month more than once...until now. Actresss and Boomkat leadsinger Taryn Manning is Bovis of the Summer - June, July, and August! Why you ask? Was it because she starred in music related movies like "Hustle and Flow", "8 Mile", and "Crossroads" starring Britney Spears? No. Is it because she performs in a band called Boomkat and roller skates really well? No. Is it because she was on Maxim's Hot 100 and has a bangin' body? No (but it certainly helps). Or is it because she loves herself some Bovis? Yes. As the picture to the left suggests, she could barely contain her excitement when she met Jovis Bovis and Guy Bovis (who took the picture). Security practically had to wrestle her away from Jovis's zipper as she exclaimed "I WANT! I NEED!" She displayed the kind of enthusiasm Bovis members look for in a former Maxim cover girl and reward such behavior accordingly. Three months at the top of Bovis Hot 100! You're welcome Taryn! Here's to you Boomkitten, you are total Bovis!

Pfft McCallister - Miss May
It's May! Time to put on your cut-off jeans, listen to some Bovis, and keep it real. Pfft knows how to embrace May properly. Somebody get that girl a Heineken! She looks good from all angles and doesn't even have to starve herself! So here's to you Pfft McCalister, you are total Bovis!

Sally Speedyballs - Miss April
She wields a speed gun, she wears tiny shorts, and she has a layer of darkness beneath her platinum blonde highlights. She is Sally Speedyballs! She has clocked Bovis at break-neck speeds, all while looking sexy-fine. She also works for the Oakland A's which, needless to say, is just downright proper. Charting the Bovis fastball wherever rock and roll can be found, here's to you Sally Speedyballs, you are total Bovis!

Holiday Surprise - Miss March
Surprise, surprise, surprise! The best holiday in March is the one who loves some Bovis! For this gal it's party-time all the time. She will show you how to party like a rock-star as she eagerly awaits Bovis to learn some Chumbawamba. Just remember to keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle and enjoy the ride (oh, and bring some Kit-Kats)! Here's to you Holiday Suprise, you are total Bovis!

Spruce Goose - Miss February
If you find yourself slumming around Long Beach, stop by GameWorks, maybe see the aquarium, and top off the night with a visit to the local Irish Pub where a Bovis super fan will be waiting. Bring your sense of adventure (and enough cash for 2 vodka red bulls, a valtrex, and a teddy bear) and you will be flying the Spruce Goose like Howard Hughes (if Howard Hughes were in a kick ass band like Bovis). So here's to you Spruce Goose, you are total Bovis!

Snuggles and Bitsy Peppercorn- Miss January
What happens in Vegas stays on the Bovis site! It's 2009 so January gets a double shot of sexy-fine ladies. Snuggles and Bitsy Peppercorn may love each other more than they love Bovis but whatever, it's all rock and roll. Snuggles brings the steak, Peppercorn brings the sizzle, and Bovis brings the soundtrack. It's 2009! Share some love! Here's to you Snuggles and Bitsy Peppercorn, you are total Bovis!

Slamdance Hotpants- Miss December
You may think she bruises easily but she just rocks really hard. Many a groupie has fallen to the swift elbow jabs and Matrix-style roundkicks that this brutal beauty has unloaded in the mosh pits of a Bovis show. There's only two things to know about this savage, groupie-destroying, superbabe: 1) she loves Bovis 2) stay the hell out of the way. You make our hearts black and blue, so here's to you Slamdance Hotpants, you are total Bovis!

Kibbles 'N Bits- Miss November
Even Mick Jagger has an off night every now and again. It is a humbling moment and reminds Bovis that they are, in fact, human when the best they can do for a BotM is this nasty skank. I give you Exhibit A: Kibbles 'N Bits. The only silver lining on this cloud is that she doesn't have rabies and boasts a mouth like a fish, but that's about it. Bovis badly needs to do another show and generate a hotter fanbase so they can scrub Kibbles 'N Bits from their memory. This is a dark hour. Here's to you Kibbles 'N Bits, you are totally not Bovis.

Blondie Macintosh- Miss October
This chick loves three things: Bovis, hard living, and Pug-weenies. Let's break this down. Pug-weenies are a hybrid dog breed comprised of a pug and a weiner dog and are a distant third to Bovis and hard living. Hard livng however is a close second to Bovis because, let's be honest, cigarettes taste GOOD. But nothing feels as good as getting your earholes penetrated like a Mack truck barreling through a Taco Bell drive-thru, and she knows this! Order Up! Here's to you Blondie Macintosh, you Bovis-loving, hard living, pug-weenie embracing, piece of hotness. You are total Bovis!

Cotton Candy - Miss September
So this little oven-mit loves cotton candy and she likes to party. Essentially everything Bovis stands for except for the cotton candy part, but we won't hold that against her. We are just as sweet, and we melt in your earholes like cotton candy in your mouth. So you know, potatoe/ potato, Bovis/Cotton Candy. It's all the same to her. Here's to you Cotton Candy, you are total Bovis!

Bindi Irwin - Miss August
She is a whale protector, rap artist, dance pioneer, and Bovis Superfan. Our only piece of fan mail comes from fellow musician Bindi irwin. It is truly an honor to be recognized by one of the music industry's brightest young stars. Her opus "Save Me" about whale conservation is powerful, insightful, and fun! We honor this multi-talented rocker because she honors us, so here's to you Bindi Irwin, you are total Bovis!

Puss 'n Bovis - Miss July
Okay, so she likes cats a little more than she likes Bovis... correction, a lot more than she likes Bovis, but that doesn't change the fact that she IS Bovis. We know one day she will become that creepy old cat lady the neighborhood kids fear because her front lawn is dead and littered with 50 stray cats yowling at one another, but for now she can get away with it because she's hot. So here's to you Puss 'n Bovis, you are total Bovis!

Gladys Melons - Miss June
A lot of people have a hard time overlooking the fact that Gladys Melons was a valedictorian. She's published essays on economics and Stalin and most men find the fact that she worked for NASA a bit intimidating. Let's face it, her intellect makes you look like a retard, and sadly, that's all she's got going for her...brains. Poor girl. Here's to you Gladys Melons, you are total Bovis!

Mrs. Winterbottom and the Family Stones - Miss May
We're taking a mulligan this month. This in no way means we have a shortage of hot chicks in our fanbase, believe me, they are everywhere. Tons of 'em. And "No," selecting Mrs. Winterbottom and her Family Stones is not an attempt to crack into the highly coveted Gay Bear demographic of rock fans. Nope, this month's selection is a lesson in inner beauty. Though she may have excessive amounts of body hair and flops around in a drunken stupor like a lame low-land gorilla born with limited motor skills, Mrs. Winterbottom possess the same loving tenderness for Bovis that Koko displayed for her kitten. It is with a loving touch (albeit with sanitary gloves on) that we salute you Mrs. Winterbottom! You are total Bovis!

Stelly Beans - Miss April
She rocks before she walks! Born of two Bovis members she boasts an epic rock pedigree and is no doubt destined for a future of eye make-up, leather pants, and hard living (Hey! Button it!). Sesame Street has no idea what's coming, so take off Elmo! Here's to you Stelly Beans, you are total Bovis!

Polar Bovis - Miss March
Do not be fooled! Just because you find it howling at the moon in arctic conditions does not neccesarily mean it's a woodland predator celebrating a fresh kill. NO! If it's clad in tropical wear, fueled by Coors Light, and a fan of BOVIS, then chances are you have found the rare and elusive superfan rumored to roam the northern border towns of America. Legend tells of such a creature, beautiful yet self-destructive as she routinely casts herself into a sea of ice for no apparent reason. Polar Bovis is also known to go under the knife to alter her appearance to maintain the mystique she has cultivated over the years. Only the North American Sasquatch and the feared Yeti of Everest rival her hiding powers and her fashion sense. Warming our hearts in sub-human temperatures, here's to you Polar Bovis, you are total Bovis (that sounds redundant)!

Coco B. Head-Gordon - Miss February
As word of Bovis reaches the far East (New Jersey) new and interesting groupies arise. Shrouded in mystery with a fondness for pastry, fishnets, melons, and bass, this sultry character responds to the call of Bovis! Clad in metallic things and most likely sporting tattoos somewhere on her person, this SuperFan has earned the recognition of her rocking ways and infamous cat-like speed that she most definetly deserves. Simultaneously piercing her head and our hearts, here's to you Coco B. Head-Gordon, you are total Bovis!

Velvet Kitten - Miss January
Anytime Bovis comes to your town you can find this one front and center and ready to rock! This multi-tasking die hard Bovis fan has displayed her talents for photography and singing against her will during multiple Bovis Shows! Her abilities, skills, and world knowledge know no bounds! If you have a flat tire she can fix it. If you have broken a bone she will re-set it for you. If you want to know some crazy bio-chemistry facts she'll probably give them to you. If you are considering a career at CPK you know who to consult before hand. For all her talents and support of the greatest band comprised of two Enlgishman and three Americans working the Bay Area circuit we say "January is yours". Here's to you Velvet Kitten, you are total Bovis!

Mama Bambers - Miss December
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring except Mama Bambers! Neslted all snug in her bed, visions of tricycles, bouncy castles, and Bullet Bovis rattled her head. She got up excitedly and slid down the banister, jolly with glee, to find December's "Bovis of the Month" had been chosen and in the name of Freddie Mercury, IT WAS SHE! Christmas has come so all groupies beware, Mama Bambers is BOTM, so get your meathooks off of Bullet or she'll boil you in oil! Here's to you Mama Bambers, you are total Bovis!

Van Hottie - Miss November
This San Ramon beauty has a heart of rhinestone that glitters (almost soley) for Bovis. She longs for a musical threesome of Bovis, Van Halen, and Nightranger...but Bovis shares the stage with no one, so for now her group fantasy will only know the warm embrace of Cappy B's keyboards to the left, Fingers' bass too the right, and all the USDA certified, Grade A, Bovis He-Steak in between. Here's to you Van Hottie, you are total Bovis!

Boondocks Girl - Miss October
This mysterious beauty from the nether-regions of California has been an intense Bovis fan since May 2007. Her ability to flaunt autographed mammories and remain a classy broad is a trick not even Houdini could pull off. Here's to you Boondocks Girl, you are total Bovis!